Artemis Sumarized
by Dreaming-Cat-369
Summary: Spoilers! All five books sumarized! Guest appearances! Foaly's hat imploding! Deviations from the script! General insanity! Please read! Please review! Please steal Foaly's hat! Please get me out of this straightjacket! Thank you!
1. Artemis Fowl

**Disclaimer: The Almighty Author, Eoin Colfer, owns Arty and crew. I just drool over them.**

A/N Thoughts are in italics. Other languages are underlined.

A Not-So-Brief Summary of _Artemis Fowl_ that will surely get out of control…  


Artemis: I am a prodigy and I'm going to kidnap a fairy! My mom's nuts and my dad's missing but I refuse to believe he's dead! Arum Potestas Est!

Juliet: Um Arty fairies aren't real you know.

Artemis: _Why don't I mind when she calls me by my mother's pet name for me?_ Butler didn't you tell her?

(Butler squirms)

Holly Short: I am the first girl in Recon, oh yeah! But Root's always a jerk. His face gets so red when I'm only like, a nanosecond late! (But it's always red, that's why we call him Beetroot…)

Root: SHORT!

Holly: _D'Arvit!_

Root: I'm firing you.

Holly: Nooooo….

Root: But you have to go catch a troll first. You have a lot of magic on you right?

Holly: _(lying)_ Yes…

Root: WELL GO! BUT CHECK WITH FOALY FIRST!

Holly: Ook.

Foaly: Here! You get a gun! And don't be confident! Confidenceignorance!

Holly: Thanks a lot.

(Holly botches the assignment and has to go do the Ritual)

Holly: An acorn… that's not so hard…

Artemis: Ha! Butler, there it is! Shoot it!

(the fight you already know about occurs)

Holly: Where am I?

Juliet: Oh! You speak English!

Holly: _D'Arvit!_

Foaly: Julius we have a problem!

Root: Don't call me Julius.

Foaly: My tinfoil hat imploded!

Root: But that's not in the script…

Foaly: Just joking—Holly's missing! Oh no!

Root: Uh-oh!

(action that I am to lazy to transcript happens)

(Butler freaks some fairies out)

Artemis: I'll give you your officer if you give me a ton of gold!

Root: Nope!

Artemis: Fine.

(the troll happens)

(the gold gets sent in)

(etc.)

Artemis: If I give you half the gold will you heal my mom?

Holly: Fine. Lollipops.

Artemis: WHAT?

The Great Almighty Fanfic Authoress (aka me): I forgot to put that in. (disappears)

Holly: That means I get to punch you! (punches Artemis)

Artemis: Lollipops?

(they blue-rinse the Manor)

Artemis: Ha ha ha ha ha! I am smart! I am still alive!

TGAFA (aka me): We already know that. Book's over.


	2. The Artic Incident

_**Disclaimer: Ditto.**_

**A/N: Ditto.**

**A Very Super-Short Summary of _THE ARTIC INCIDENT_!**

**(in Russia)**

AF Senior: ANGELINE!

**(in the UK)**

Artemis: Oh my god! The Mafia have my father! And my school sucks! I love making my shrink have nervous breakdowns!

**(in Haven) **

Root: Uh-oh. Something's wrong! It must be the MudBoy's fault! Holly, go get him!

(Holly gets Artemis, it turns out that he's innocent…)

Artemis: I'll help you if you help me…

Root: Fine.

Opal Koboi: I am evil! I am eeeeeeeeeeevilllll! Nyeahahahahahahahahaha! I will get my revenge on Foaly for being male and being smart! Nyeahahahahahahahahahhahhahaah! Briar!

Briar Cudgeon: I'm ugly and demoted… and I will get my revenge on Root!

The Good Guys: No you won't!

The Bad Guys: Yes we will! We got weapons and you don't! Nyah-nyah!

(things happen)

Foaly: Uh oh! Everyone thinks this is my fault…

(Stupidity, intelligence, bad strategy, good strategy, annoyed goblins and a mad pixie defeat each other and cancel themselves out… so Opal is locked up, Cudgeon is fried, etc.)

(AF senior is rescued)

Eoin Colfer in a witch costume: Um… Just wondering, why do you do this?

TGAFA in a silver tiara, purple roller-skates, a green shirt and jeans: Oh, do be quiet. Go bug Artemis if you don't have anything to do. (shoves through the time-space peanut butter and jellybean sandwich smoothie.) Book's over kids. Review. Etc. Steal Foaly's hat! Steal Foaly's hat! Steal Foaly's hat!


	3. The Eternity Code, Shortened

Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own anyone. Not Arty & Crew, not Kyprioth (he belongs to Tamora Pierce), not Chrestomanci (he belongs to Diana Wynne Jones), not _anyone_… (sigh)

A/N: You know the drill. In theory… But now I'm writing it partly in the style of _Artemis Fowl: The Pointless Parody of Book One_ because it made me laugh so much. If you don't like it don't worry, it's a one-time thing. If you like it I suggest you read that FanFic.

**The Eternity Code: A Summary, or the TGAFA up too Late at Night and Too Early in the Morning with a Laptop and a Cold.**

Artemis: I think I'm going legit…after I pull this off, that is! Muahahahahahaha!

TGAFA: You laugh badly.

Artemis: Oh stop it.

TGAFA: If you'd just stick to the script, I would!

Artemis: But then what would you have to do?

TGAFA: All of you Fowls are so annoying…

TGAFA:** I disappear.**

Artemis: I am going legal, because my parents want me to… right after I pull off the greatest criminal activity of my career, under the noses of my parents and the LEP alike! Nothing can go wrong…!

TGAFA's voice booming mysteriously: In theory… But saying "Nothing can go wrong" is as good as putting a sign around your neck that says, FEEL FREE TO MAKE THIS GO WRONG! I'M JUST BEGGING FOR IT!

Artemis: Do you ever go away? And why are you doing this instead of letting me live my (not exactly legal) life?

TGAFA's voice booming mysteriously: Bwahahahahaha! Because it is all part of my grand trick! My grandest trick! Pulled off under the noses of everyone, even that annoying Kyprioth and that meddling Chrestomanci!

Kyprioth and Chrestomanci: We appear.

TGAFA: I appear. I curse briefly in a dialect of Gaenlieaq no one knows.

TGAFA: For some unknown reason I am wearing a purple shirt, jeans and my beloved purple RollerSkates which have already been mentioned and doubtlessly will be mentioned again.

Kyprioth and Chrestomanci: We are very mad at TGAFA but we don't say anything.

TGAFA: I disappear against my will.

Kyprioth and Chrestomanci: We disappear on purpose.

Sparkly Scene Change: I sparkle.

Restaurant: I am full of people who don't look threatening but whom Butler is glaring at anyway.

Waitress: Artemis is mean to me.

Artemis: I wonder who would kill me.

Butler: I am paranoid and think that most waiters and tailors in Europe would gladly kill Artemis.

Jon Spiro and his Body Guard who Presents an Extreme Contrast to Butler and has an Accent: We arrive.

Boring Business Negotiations: I happen.

Artemis: If you don't do what I want I will put you out of business.

Jon Spiro: I don't like those terms. Prove this is worth it.

Artemis: Sure.

C Cube: I am used to do something illegal.

Jon Spiro: I am impressed. I threaten to take the Cube thingie.

Artemis: I am cocky.

People in the Restaurant that Didn't Look Threatening: We have guns.

Jon Spiro: I leave.

Butler: With the help of an old lady I trigger a sonic grenade, save Artemis from it and then get cocky. Déjà vu.

Artemis: A rude thug threatens me.

Gun: I shoot.

Butler: I am shot. I shoot.

Arno Blunt (the Rude Thug Body Guard): I fall over.

Artemis: I freeze my bodyguard.

Butler: I tell Artemis my name, and then take a nap in a fish freezer.

Artemis: I leave, contact a detective who is Butler's friend and assure a lady I am not looking for my mommy.

Cryogenic Place: I am futuristic.

Artemis: I do not like the futuristic thing.

Nurse: I am smoking, ergo I am not a real nurse.

**Artemis:** Assures the fake nurse that he is not a lawyer.

Boss: My face is plastic.

Artemis: I will help this boss person put more plastic in her face if I can borrow her car and phone.

Boss: Deal!

**Shiny Scene Change:** Shines

**Foaly**: Is panicking.

**Root**: Is screaming

Holly: I have been sent out to see who made this phone call!

Artemis: Help me please!

Holly: If you are THAT desperate then I will.

Armored Van Thing: I'm rocking!

Butler: Ooo, I'm alive!

TGAFA: I am so bored, this book is ending right here. Note: good triumphs. As usual. And Arty is mind wiped. Uh-oh, I really have to— (disappears against her will)


End file.
